Questionable Fashion Choices in Santa Monica

Cheers, I'm in Santa Monica, California for the summer!

Cali, brah! Weeee!
Source

I understand that a large part of life in So-Cal is looking super hawt all the time. It seems that people here are pretty constantly looking to stay on top of the latest fashion trends, but just because you're trying doesn't mean that you're succeeding.

I'm no Miranda Priestly (if you didn't get that reference, you should re-evaluate your life), but I can generally differentiate between what looks good and what doesn't. I know that Hollywood and all that jazz is out on this coast, but don't forget that not all new trends are winners.

Hey Cali, you lose 1,000 internet points simply for being
the epicenter of American Apparel and its ilk.
Source

Here are some of the more egregious (women's) fashion "don'ts" that I've come across in the last two weeks.

1. Uggs - I'm from New England and I own a few pairs of super-fuzzy boots myself, so who am I to criticize Uggs being worn here, right?

• First of all, unless you're located in the southern hemisphere, Uggs aren't even close to appropriate for late May/early April. Does no one respect the concept of seasonal dress anymore? Does this mean I can wear mini-skirts in the middle of a New England January?
• Second of all, you're wearing them with shorts. If we're going to start mixing everything up, I suppose I'll start wearing rainboots to work when it's sunny and I'll go for a jog in my favorite pair of stilettos. Okay.
• Third, aren't your ankles sweating like crazy? It's sunny and approximately 70 degrees here every day. You know why we wear Uggs in New England? Because it's 30 degrees and there are 2 inches of snow on the ground. People are AT THE BEACH right now and you're wearing furry boots? I can't.

2. Bikinis and Sneakers - On first glance, I said to myself, "well that's odd." Then, I realized that people are actually JOGGING on the beach in their bikinis. Sorry chicas, but a triangle top just doesn't provide the amount of support that the girls need for so much bouncing around. Fix it.

3. Yoga Pants - I like yoga pants as much as the next person, but they seem to adorn the buttocks of every single female living in the city of Santa Monica. I've recently been told that the yoga sensation is something of a fraud, and that most women sporting their Lululemon capris aren't really coming from yoga class. They just don't want to wear real pants. You have awesome quads, we get it. Now go put on some jeans.

4. High Heels - Call me old fashioned (or lame), but I generally reserve my heels for date nights and special occasions. Apparently, it's totally normal to wear them for a Saturday noontime stroll downtown. As a girl who is 4'10" and has a case of arthritis in her left foot that prevents me from wearing heels for long periods of time, I most heartily do not approve of this trend.

5. Seersucker, Sperry Topsiders, salmon pants, etc. - I actually laughed out loud (but actually, not just in the "I loled!" sense) the first time I saw a Brooks Brothers out here. It's cute that you're trying, but we've really got this look under control over on the east coast. It would be like trying to compete with France over berets. Don't bother.

6. Tattoos - Not technically clothing, although it basically could be here. It's not like I've never seen tattoos before, but it seems like EVERYONE here has at least one in a very visible place. I get that office culture tends to be more lax here than in the northeast, but jeeze. You all do know that it's permanent, right?

Fashion don'ts for college (and beyond)

I'm not Tim Gunn, but I'm going to have to agree with GQ that Boston is America's least fashionable city. And yes, I know that Cambridge is not technically Boston, but let's be real. It really is the same city. One would assume that by the time functioning people reach college age, they would have some sort of conception of what looks good and what...just doesn't. Here are a few "trends" that I see ALL over this college's campus and that I simply cannot stand.

Shorts with visible pockets - Congratulations, you can fit an ass-ton of items in your pockets. Not that you ever will, because you're a girl, and that's what a purse is for. It also looks like your thighs have wings.

My, what big...pockets you have?
Link

Shorts too short - Oh hey shortie...McShortShortWoahICanSeeYourAss. I don't care how physically fit you are. I don't care how hot you are. I don't want to see your donk on my way to class. It's inapro.

Not cute.
Link

Really, really ripped jeans - If your pants are a little distressed, that's fine. Maybe you're going for the hipster look. Maybe you're just super attached to your favorite pair and you're unwilling to leave them in their old age. Cool. But if it looks like you just tried (unsuccessfully) to climb over a barbed wire fence, you probably just belong with the rest of the grunge kids who sleep in the Commons.

Homeless is the new high fashion.
Link

Disgrace.
Link

Uggs and shorts - I don't care if you're Vanessa Hudgens, Snooki, or anyone else on this planet, this doesn't look good on you, I promise. I get that we're in that awkward transition time between summer and fall, but when you wake up in the morning, choose one season and commit.

           

And a scarf. She's really confused.
Link

Seersucker - This one just gives me the willies (I think it's because the crinkles and stripes are perpendicular to one another, which pisses me off). This fabric is acceptable in two locations only. 1. On the yacht, and 2. In your private box at the horse race track. It also kind of makes men look like cotton candy.

I really don't care where you summer.
Link

To all the offenders out there: stop it right now.