Sunday, January 2, 2011

Why I don't usually watch football

I hate football. I don't understand the appeal of watching grown men run around in a violent mele like two combating chimpanzee groups.


I'm a flaming pacifist and really don't like the idea of athletes running until they're hit so hard that they can't get up again. What's more, I don't like the idea of being smacked around when I'm running at all. These football players take hits, fall on the ground, and get up like they're still BFFs with whoever just pushed them over. Okay, I know that I said I'm a pacifist, but I think that I'd turn around and demand an explanation from whoever just body checked me. I'd like to deck him in the face, actually. I'M JUST RUNNING MMMKAY? DON'T HIT ME.


I don't know who this is. I just Googled "football player."
It's also quite frightening that teams have X-ray machines in their locker rooms because, you know, someone's spinal cord might be snapped during play. And that they have to wear helmets, mouth guards, and super-pads all over so that they don't turn into broken heaps with every play. In fact, the padding makes them look like angry chimps with their hair fluffed up. Clearly, chimpanzees would be awesome football players.

Oh look, a football player.

I also don't like football because I don't understand it. Five people now have tried to explain the game to me. I know vocab words like "downs" and "quarterback" and "yardage," but I couldn't string them together in a coherent sentence if you quizzed me. I just don't get it. They run and they stop and they fall and they turn around and all of a sudden, one team is winning by 7 points or so. Ummwhat?? It all seems so nonsensical to me... like a game that would have taken place in the Colosseum, right after the lion vs. human fights.

That said, my hometown pride trumps my bias toward football, and I thought that I would watch UConn play the big game in this year's Tostitos fiesta bowl.

I have UConn pride thanks to the astounding number of my friends and family who attend or are alumi of the school. HUSKY PRIDE. And despite the fact that they were predicted to lose to the Oklahoma Sooners in this game tonight, I would support them, because I'm sitting in UConn territory right now (a.k.a. my house).


My Huskies failed me tonight. It was a 48-20 UConn loss that led to a lot of Sooners cheering in the crowd. This is how football is supposed to impress me? My team can't even win? I give up. I'm returning to my blatant disregard for the game. Whatever.


  1. LOL! You just need to watch more football and you will pick up on the terminology pretty quick. Doesn't take too much time.

    As for a guys slamming into each other and getting all broken to bits, watch Rugby sometime. Football will seem downright safe and clean by comparison.