Bad Christmas Presents are Bad

I don't really like Christmas shopping unless I'm looking for something in particular. I don't believe in just getting something because you have to or saying "yeah, that's fine, just buy it." As a result, I've compiled a list of some of the worst Christmas presents I've come across at the mall. So please, don't buy me anything on this list. Ever.

1. Angry birds/other animal hats - I resent your extra-long earflaps and bulbous head shapes. So tacky. If wearing an angry bird hat makes me angry, am I meta?

Stop it.
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2. Personalize-able ornaments - They're cheap looking, they're cheaply made, and they went out of style like, 30 years ago. Fanny packs : fashion :: these ornaments : Christmas decorations.

I hate these kiosks.
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3. Lotion/body wash packs - Does anyone actually use these? If I need lotion, I'm going to buy a bottle of Aveeno, and not care if it smells like mangoes, a sea breeze, or cucumbers. Girls do not want this.

This is a useless gift.
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4. Christmas sausage gift baskets - No one needs that much cured meat. Ever. It's nasty, just like the accompanying crackers and cheeses. And the idea of letting meat logs sit under a tree is just questionable. Sausage is not a gift. 

Gross.
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5. Toe socks - It's kind of hard to explain this one, but I hate them. They're neither comfortable nor attractive and they just don't fit in shoes. Some people think it's acceptable to wear them with flip flops in the winter, but I call those people fools. Also, that hasn't been fashionable since the 7th grade. I just have a lot of problems with toe socks.

I especially hate his toes.
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So don't purchase these gifts for your loved ones, kay? You can do better. All of the above presents say "I didn't know what to get, so I closed my eyes and pointed at something." That is not classy and it is not acceptable. I didn't put the fruitcake on this list because I thought it would be too obvious. All of the above gifts are analogous to the fruitcake. Nobody likes fruitcake.

I wish I wrote a sweet blog.

I wish I had a themed blog -- something that people could click on and know what to expect from. Everyone seems to have blogs with some sort of order, but my ideas just seem to bounce around at random. Like atoms. I just made a science joke. Anyway, I guess that makes it a rather accurate depiction of what goes on inside of my head. Here's a list of blogs that I wish that I wrote:

1. Humor/Drawing blog - I love the blogs with stick figure drawings in combination with humorous narratives. I wish that I was witty and talented with my laptop's Paint feature. Alas, there are a few kinks in this setup. I, personally, think that I'm a riot, but I'm pretty sure that the rest of the world is laughing at me, rather than with me. Oh, and I can't draw anything besides misshapen flowers and spray painted lines on Paint. Maybe that's because I'm artistically challenged in real life as well.

Now, why can't I come up with witty drawings like this? Sidenote: I really enjoy this ven-diagram.

2. Food blog - This would indicate that I regularly cook delicious desserts and sweet treats (because I wouldn't even think of writing a food blog about anything other than deserts). Unfortunately, I'm not patient enough to cook (which is the real reason that I eat so many raw foods) and I'm really not Paula Dean on the inside. Thinking of the positives, not centering my life around desserts is probably better for the waistline. I'm not that willing to be Paula Dean, y'all.

nomnomcholesterolnomnom

3. Political humor blog - Unfortunately, I'm far too overwhelmed by the political atmosphere to write a political blog and fend those who would feel it their duty to tell me why my opinions are wrong.  Oh, and I really don't want to be indicted for some sort of unintentional libel or slander. Sometimes, the government scares me. And by sometimes, I mean most of the time. I don't think I'd really fit in in prison.

Political correctness has a butt-chin.

4. Wild and Crazy Adventures - This would be a really cool idea if I partied harder, broke more rules, or lived a little closer to the edge. Too bad I'm relatively mild mannered and not much of an initiator. I think people would be suspicious if I suddenly started living a more Ke$ha-inspired life.

It's really more of a Halloween costume than a lifestyle.

5. Advice column - How sweet would it be if people came to me with their problems and I could advise their troubles away? I mean, I can't stop myself from reading the advice columns in my newspapers and magazines, even though sometimes their petty subjects make me want to buy a full page Ad that says "SUCK IT UP." If I had an advice column, I would only answer the most interesting morally gut-twisting questions. Now wouldn't that just make me a hero? This plan has it's flaws, though. For starts, I've got enough problems of my own; I couldn't begin to worry about other people's issues. Furthermore, I'm simply not a good advisor. I'm an indecisive pansy in real life. Ah well, people's problems are better left in Abby's hands, anyway.

Wait, if I could charge for it, why would I give dish it out for free?

The moral of the story is, I wish that I had the vision and resolve to give my blog some sort of order, but I'm just too disorganized for all of that. There's not much direction going on upstairs, so I suppose that a cohesive blog with clear direction would just make for a rather misleading representation of who I am. I have ideas sometimes. I like to write about them. Cool.

Highlights of that Magical Morning

Merry Christmas Y'all!

What's more magical than Christmas morning? The halls are decked, the house smells like pine needles and hot cocoa, and the kids are more than ready to quit acting like angels. And oh yeah, presents.

LIKE OMG IT'S PRESENT TIME!

Here are some highlights from Christmas morning:

1. A perfect looking decorated tree with presents underneath and stockings on the fireplace stuffed with goodies. Consumerism really warms the heart, does in not? But all sarcasm aside, have you ever seen a more idyllic looking Christmas-scape??

Dawwwww, What could be prettier than this?

2. Delicious Christmas-morning apple casserole. Complements to my mother. Nomnomnom.

3. My dog running around and drooling and shedding and jumping and panting with holiday cheer (read: hyperactivity) until she passed out in a lump of snores and sprawling fur atop her new bean-bag chair.

Sometimes, she falls off the bean-bag mid-snore. It's a bit tall for her.

4. Seeing this upcoming weather forecast. It may not be a white Christmas, but the snow is coming. I am the ice queen. Imma go sledding, and throw snowballs, and make a snowman, and flop into a snow angel... and probably shovel the driveway. Victory (for the most part).

6-10 inches, baby. It's igloo time.

5. Hearing the stories of various family members' births from my Grandmother. She always has something worth-while to say. And as an ex-nurse, she makes her stories all the more realistic (read: frightening) with medical terminology and description.

It's the most wonderful time of the year. HAPPINESS AND CHEER. Don't even consider acting like a grump today. If there was ever a day to force-feed yourself with good food, smiles, and joy, it's Christmas day.

The end is near...

Of the semester, that is. And every once in a while, I have to remind myself that there’s a light at the end of this tunnel of finals period. J term is coming. The holidays are coming. Thanksgiving break was a teaser, but it gave me just enough energy to keep going until the end (as of now that is). It’s hard to keep one’s mind on papers and finals and projects when the best time of the year is rapidly approaching.

I always wanted to be a Rockette. I gave up the dream when I learned that they have a minimum height requirement though. Damn.

I love winter. I love piles of sparkling snow and how they offset the earthy green of the pine trees and the red of the cardinals at the bird feeder. I love walking outside and finding animal tracks in the snow. Cats, rabbits, deer, and squirrels leave their footprints in the yard and make it seem more homey and woodsy. I can’t wait to see my dog bound through the drifts and root her nose in the snow, snorting and sneezing when she inhales the powder. I’ll even shovel the driveway; what better way is there to stay warm while drinking in the deliciously chilly air?

Yes please

I love it when it when the sharp of the cold steals your breath – when I can snuggle into boots, sweaters and parkas. When I walk into my house, it will smell like coffee and sugar cookies – homemade with red and green sugar and twisted into S shapes (for “Santa,” of course). The double boiler will be full of melted chocolate and the rolling pin will be at the ready to pulverize candy canes to make homemade peppermint bark.  The living room will smell like the pitch of our real Christmas tree; an artificial tree will never be acceptable, in my opinion.  Colored lights and shiny bulbs will adorn its branches. Ornaments of every size and color will grace its boughs – I understand the appeal of a “classy” tree, adorned with only white lights and silver bulbs, but I prefer the colorfully loud creation that graces my living room every year; my family’s tree may not have sophisticated elegance, but it’s full of memories, jokes, and meanings. And I would rather feel warm and fuzzy than cold and elegant during the holidays.

candycanescandycaneshappinesscandycanescandycanes

This is only a taste of my love for winter and the holiday season. There’s more to come. As I get lost in schoolwork, I’ll need to take breaks to think about everything that I love about this time of year.

“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud, for all to hear.”