Wal*Mart: It's always a show

It really gives the world a certain sparkle.

Wal*Mart: A Play in Two Acts

Disclaimer: This is a real account of the 20 or so minutes that I spent in a check out line this afternoon. I almost changed to a faster moving register, but I stayed where I was because once the show started, I couldn't stop watching. The dialog below is written exactly as it was spoken because honestly, the original is too good to edit. In short, a cashier needed something to be checked by a manager in order to finish a woman's transaction. The manager took his sweet time to get the message and come on over. The two women in line in front of me are having absolutely none of this and decided to make a massive scene. In Act Two, I discuss Act One with the equally amused cashier. In the following dialog, capital letters indicate yelling.

Location: Wal*Mart - checkout line

Time: 3pm

Cast of Characters:
Me
Cashier
Manager
Woman 1 (40something, overweight, wearing sweatpants, very unwashed hair that's pulled back in a scrunchie)
Woman 2 (also 40something, overweight, wearing leggings with footie handles, poorly striped dyed hair, smells like Dial soap and sweat)

Act one

Woman 1: WE NEED A MANAGAH OR SOMETHIN' OVER HERE. LET'S GO LET'S GO.
Woman 2: LIIIIITLE FASTER PLEASE. I GOT THINGS TO DO. I gotta clean the house and make dinner. I DON'T GOT ALL DAY HERE.
Woman 1: MY DEPENDS CAN ONLY HOLD SO MUCH. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Woman 2: THAT'S IT! HERE WE GO. FINALLY. (To cashier). See, that's all you need. You gotta yell to LET YOUR VOICE BE HEARD. HAHAHAAA
**Both women clap hands for the approaching manager

Manager sorts out the problem in a few seconds and the poor woman who was waiting the assistance clutches her bags, covers her face (which is the color of a tomato at this point) and practically sprints out of the store. Women 1 and 2 complete their transactions (making crude comments and laughing at one another all the while) and saunter out of the store as if other patrons weren't staring at them, gaping

Act two

Cashier: Sorry about the wait.
Me: No problem. That was...entertaining, at least.
Cashier: Yeah... Well, that's Wal*Mart for you.
Me: Tell me about it. Welcome home, right?
Cashier: Are you from around here?
Me: Yeah, this town. But college is in Boston, so coming back is always interesting
**Look of understanding is shared
Cashier: Got it. I can imagine...

Tattoo for my bicep?

I hope this guy gets a raise. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he won't be able to stay behind that register for the rest of his life. He might just go crazy. But he will leave. I could just tell.

On another note, I wish that I had crazy memory and stenographic skills. That way, I could remember and record every ludicrous conversation that I overhear. I think that stenographic memory would trump photographic memory any day.

Rather unfortunately true.

WalMart's gearing up for Black Friday...

...as is evidenced by the stacks of shrink-wrapped 42" televisions. But what on earth happened in terms of the sign reading "Merchendise not for sale untill 5am"? Clearly, whoever was in charge of the signs cannot spell to save his or her life, but the individual also colorblind to the red squiggly line that would have underlined the incorrectly spelled words? I understand that he/she was all riled up for the beginning of holiday/heavy shopping season (OMGBLACKFRIDAYGOTTABUYEVERYTHING), but the red line does not indicate early Christmas spirit. It means you have a spelling error (and for future reference, the green line indicates a grammatical error. Again, not holiday spirit). After not catching these glaring errors on the computer, however, it's no surprise that the incompetent fool was able to print and post FIVE of these signs on the plastic-wrapped palates without noticing his folly.

This photo looks like something I would have found under the "Engrish" tab of failblog.org, but alas, I took it with my very own cell phone. As a self acclaimed spelling and grammar fan (read: stickler), I'm not sure if this sighting should make me laugh or cry. The entire sign consists of six words (counting "5" and "am" as one word, due to the lack of space between them). Two of these words are incorrectly spelled. 2/6=.3333333333. Approximately 33% of this sign is incorrect. That's a 33% fail. The English concentrator within me died a little bit when I first saw this in my hometown's WalMart. However, upon further reflection (read: staring at the photo on my cellphone and chuckling to myself), I've realized that this occurrence is just so classic Wally World that a different little part of me feels nostalgic when I see the fail. It's a comforting reminder of home and why shouting "FAIL!" was at one time so popular.

This is not to say that I spell everything correctly the first time. I don't. But I do a. hit spellcheck and b. read my document before printing. Sorry, but a six word phrase just doesn't take that long to proofread.

Welcome home. Welcome to Lisbon. Welcome to WalMart.