Happy Birthday Eminem! Oh, and Me Too I Guess

Remember when we all asked for the Real Slim Shady to please stand up? We were teeny boppers and Eminem was the coolest CD in our walkmans. Well, I'm no longer (as) tiny and Eminem is no longer that awkwardly cool white kid who's talking really fast instead of singing.

I like to believe that I can muster a stare of equal intensity.
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Much to my disbelief, Eminem turned THIRTY NINE FLIPPING YEARS OLD TODAY. What the what? Is our beloved Slim Shady really that close to the big 4-0? Not that it matters. He's still rockin' it as hard as he did in the '90s; I must admit that I've listened to "Lighters" an obscene number of times in the past few months (including at this very moment).

Eminem AND Bruno Mars. That's gangsta bliss.

I like to think that sharing a birthday with Eminem gives me... I don't know, a thousand gangster** points? I might not be from the wrong side of town, but that that doesn't leave me completely devoid of hoodrat qualities (although that last sentence might have done it). Okay, I'm sort of totally a country girl, but I would still hang out with Eminem and lay down phat beats and engage in other wild and crazy hoodrat shenanigans.

Now don't tell me that I'm sipping on the haterade, because I actually think that Eminem's sweet. He started rapping at the age of 14 (I'm pretty sure I was just discovering MTV and thinking that Room Raiders was super-scandalous at that age) and dropped out of high school when he was 17. Okay, I don't condone the education-fail, but he sure was progressive with his career.  He raps like an utter champ and has a beat-your-ass-but-perhaps-in-a-friendly-manner persona. I mean, doesn't he just lose some of the scary when he's wearing glasses?

Bespectacled gangsta. Charming?
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Well, that's my homage to rap star with whom I share that special October 17th hoodrat bond. And here's a classic video to end on.

**Sometimes I just can't help but use correct spellings. Judge me.
***Also, all the info in here came from Wikipedia. Call it research.

Why I read the newspaper police logs

Everyone thinks I'm crazy. When I tell people that I check my hometown newspaper's criminal reports like...daily, they generally stare at me all googly eyed and ask why I'm so paranoid.

Well, it's because every once in a while, I find people who I went to middle and/or high school with in those police reports. How else am I supposed to find out who has been arrested if I don't stay on top of my game?

Here's a short list of crimes that I've found my peers to have committed, thanks to public police logs:

• Theft/burglary/larceny
• All sorts of drug possession (and related offenses)
• DUI/DWI
• Assault/battery/strangulation
• Violation of restraining orders

I come from a middle class, rural, hole in the wall town. When did I became associated with real live hooligans? Granted, the DUI/DWI-ers aren't what I would call terrifying, but the neighbor that was arrested for strangulation and aggravated assault? I don't understand. I just don't.

I've seen more crime than I ever would have expected come out of my little neck of the woods, and I'm not totally sure when it started to involve people that I actually know. I must say that I'm an adamant supporter of public records and even though I get the heebie jeebies every time I see a familiar name in the police reports, I'm glad that I know who and where the real creeps are.

To all the hoodlums who think I'm just too goodygoody and mainstream: stealing/shoplifting doesn't make you cool. Driving when you're hammered doesn't make you cool. Distributing illicit substances doesn't make you cool. If you want to be "different," go dye your hair or, I don't know, make a friend or something. If you break the law, you deserve to be in the paper for it. And I'll know. Because I always check.

Stay off of my lawn, you thugs.