Fitness Flops and Workout Whomps

Or in other words, ways in which I regularly embarrass myself at the gym.

On the daily, I am not a particularly graceful person, and I tend to become even less functional of a human being when I work out. Some girls look totally hot and graceful and sporty when they get their sweat on, but I generally end up looking something more like this:

Potentially an overstatement, but this gif gets funnier
the longer you stare at it.

I'll tell myself for the time being that every person is guilty of committing these workout faux-pas, and if that's not the case, just don't tell me, alright? Here's how we all (right? RIGHT?) make asses of ourselves while working out.

The Stairmaster Stumble
I'm talking about the tall, continually moving stair belt sort of machine here. I love the stairmaster because it's a challenging alternative to the treadmill (and jogging wrecks my shin splints after a while). After 10-15 minutes of plodding up and up though, the steps start to seem higher than they had been when I began. A single misstep makes the whole thing goes CRASH BANG LOOK EVERYONE SHE TRIPPED LOL and then it's a mad scramble to back to the top to avoid being rudely deposited onto the floor.

Then I shiftily look left and right to try to gauge how many people witnessed the incident.

Treadmill Trippin'
It happens for a lot of reasons. Maybe the song changed to something with a radically different tempo. Maybe I got too comfortable in the stride, spaced out, and started to drift to the side of the belt. Maybe I kicked myself in the back of the ankle for the thousandth time and literally tripped over my own feet.

Maybe all three of these things happen within the same jogging sesh and everyone else is all "is she alright or like, about to pass out from exhaustion or something?" My balance is sub-par.

iPod Drop
Probably the loudest of the bloopers. When the iPod/iPhone/anonymous Android device falls, the only recovery option is to stop the machine, get off, and pick it up off the floor while audibly cursing and silently praying that the screen hasn't smashed into a million pieces. Literally everyone else in the room will slow down to make like One Republic and stop and stare at the entire process while whispering "ooh, ooh, no that's not very good, no." It's the rubber-necking of the cardio room.

Bounce and Stop
If you haven't ever heard me whine about my height before, I'm 4'10", which means that my chest area is, um, close to the panel of buttons on most treadmills. This means that if I'm not careful, the girls might bounce right on top of the large pause/stop button, bringing my jog to an unexpected halt.

In other words, my boobs turn off the treadmill sometimes.

Unintentional Dance Party
The endorphins are high, I'm feeling good, and how else am I supposed to let it all out when the music shakes my bones and there's a tune-splosion happening in my brain? The only option is an above-the-waist dance party. Oh sure, I'm fully aware that I look like a damn fool when I bust out the Beyonce finger dance like what's going on over to the right here, but when the front of my brain is all "don't fall off the machine; keep moving plz," the best dance I can pull off (if you want to call it that) consists of me basically pointing all over in different directions.

Let's be real. We've all made asses of ourselves in the cardio room. Workout klutziness can be boiled down into an inspirational metaphor like so: The road to fitness is a bumpy and rocky one. Everybody trips every once in awhile.

Internet sensation: Jenna Marbles

I spend a tremendous amount of time on the intertoobs. I love internet memes, viral videos, and all sorts of pop culture. I'd like to take a moment to give a shout out to Jenna Marbles, one of my favity internet sensations. I'll break up this post with what I consider to be some of the best of her videos. Here's the disclaimer: probably not the best idea to watch if you think that vulgarity, potty language, and/or sexual jokes are distasteful. That's fair warning.

Jenna on the Beebs

Homegirl's got a masters degree, which is totally commendable, because the whole college thing can be long and arduous. However, she hasn't gotten totally caught up in the "college is over, time to be a boring grown up" thing. She started making videos just because and holy crap is she famous now. Why do I admire her? Because she gets to be funny for a living. I admire humor over quite a lot of other qualities, and this lady makes me *almost* pee every Wednesday when her video of the week comes out.

Jenna on caffeine

It's probably my ultimate dream to be famous and successful for being hilarious. Thus, I think that Jenna Marbles is a total baller because she's done just that. Actually, I think I've figured out a pretty good list of why she's so successful. Here's my rendition of why the interwebz love Jenna.

1. She considers no topic off limits - Explicit, but not offensive or scarring. But no, like really explicit...
2. She uses bad words - It makes me giggle when she drops the f-bomb.
3. Awesome character voices - Also gives me the lolz.
4. She just seems like a chill brah - I would totally hang out with her. Let's be fraaaaaands.
5. She's hawttt - Let's be real. This is the internet, where attractive video bloggers are just destined to be more successful than ugly ones.
6. She has two adorable dogs - And they make a lot of appearances.

Jenna on the gym

Her youtube channel has gotten me through many an uneventful evening and it's really the ultimate procrastination tool. She got famous for her How to Trick People into Thinking You're Good Looking video, but I'm a fan of pretty much all of her content. Jenna Marbles pretty much exudes awesome. And that's my internet recommendation for the day.