I Hate Girl Scout Cookies

Once upon a time, many years ago, I wanted to be a Girl Scout. I wanted to be a Brownie with a white polo T-shirt, a brown pleated skirt, and a brown sash that I would fill with badges to signify my awesome accomplishments. When I was in the third grade, the local moms sent out a plea for more girls to sign up for Brownies. There weren't enough girls yet for a troupe and they would be so happy if we would join them.

So I did it. I put myself out there and even convinced several of my close friends to sign up as well. We anticipated camping trips, innumerable badges, and invaluable survival skills. Our excitement was palpable.

From that day on, however, disappointment reigned. We were told that "too many girls had signed up. We would just have to make another troop. There were some leftover badges we could have."

And just like that, the popular girls cliqued off in their Brownies troop with the skirts and their sashes and the high socks and their self-righteousness. My troop never got flippy skirts. We didn't go to the national convention with the other group. We couldn't get the local middle school to let us use the teachers' lounge for meetings. We turned into a group of bitter 8 and 9 year olds.

I only got to sell cookies once, and since we weren't that legit, I never even got to pander my baked goods outside of the local grocery store like the other group. After a few months of haphazard meetings and lackluster activities, we all called it quits. I swore off the Girl Scout for life, boycotting the organization that had refused me.

The Girl Scouts are everywhere now. When most people think of the Girl Scouts of America, we think of this:

The cookies. They mock me.
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So I would put cookies out of my mind. I always liked Oreos better anyway (Nabisco should totally pay me for that plug). I would look the other way of their tables and sign up sheets. I could totally play the avoidance game. I mean, not really, once I discovered that they're effing delicious, but I don't care, because I still hate them on principle.

It was all cool until the Girl Scouts started to push my buttons by invading other facets of my daily life. It started like this:

Ice cream is my favorite treat. F U Girl Scouts.
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And then they took over the queen of all dairies:

Mother of Cholesterol.
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And followed me to the cosmetic aisle:

Petroleum Jelly Cookies...Yum?
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The cookies that had sullied my childhood and haunted my past were following me. I write this post today, in March of 2012 because they've come back once again. The Girl Scouts have pushed their cookies into yet another business sector: Project SugarEverywhereOMGCandyBarzzz

I call coercive monopoly.
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Apparently, these cookies are going to follow me forever, as a constant reminder of when I participated in the organization's most dysfunctional and forgotten about troupe. Give me enough time and therapy, and I'll get over it. Probably. Until then, I'm just going to give the stink-eye to every little kiddie sitting behind a table in her sash and beret, telling me to support the Girl Scouts. That'll teach them.