Saturday, December 24, 2011

Bad Christmas Presents are Bad

I don't really like Christmas shopping unless I'm looking for something in particular. I don't believe in just getting something because you have to or saying "yeah, that's fine, just buy it." As a result, I've compiled a list of some of the worst Christmas presents I've come across at the mall. So please, don't buy me anything on this list. Ever.

1. Angry birds/other animal hats - I resent your extra-long earflaps and bulbous head shapes. So tacky. If wearing an angry bird hat makes me angry, am I meta?
Stop it.
2. Personalize-able ornaments - They're cheap looking, they're cheaply made, and they went out of style like, 30 years ago. Fanny packs : fashion :: these ornaments : Christmas decorations.

I hate these kiosks.
3. Lotion/body wash packs - Does anyone actually use these? If I need lotion, I'm going to buy a bottle of Aveeno, and not care if it smells like mangoes, a sea breeze, or cucumbers. Girls do not want this.

This is a useless gift.

4. Christmas sausage gift baskets - No one needs that much cured meat. Ever. It's nasty, just like the accompanying crackers and cheeses. And the idea of letting meat logs sit under a tree is just questionable. Sausage is not a gift. 


5. Toe socks - It's kind of hard to explain this one, but I hate them. They're neither comfortable nor attractive and they just don't fit in shoes. Some people think it's acceptable to wear them with flip flops in the winter, but I call those people fools. Also, that hasn't been fashionable since the 7th grade. I just have a lot of problems with toe socks.
I especially hate his toes.

So don't purchase these gifts for your loved ones, kay? You can do better. All of the above presents say "I didn't know what to get, so I closed my eyes and pointed at something." That is not classy and it is not acceptable. I didn't put the fruitcake on this list because I thought it would be too obvious. All of the above gifts are analogous to the fruitcake. Nobody likes fruitcake.


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