A Judgmental View of Harvard's Summer School Program

In the nine weeks that I spent on campus this summer, I learned a lot about Harvard's Summer School Program. Namely, seeing the hordes of high schoolers running around like excited chickens every day reminded me of just how annoying I must have been a few years ago. I have a few questions for the (high school aged) patrons of SSP:

1. Why do you wear Harvard insignia apparel on every inch of your bodies? I'll note that college students don't actually dress like this. Furthermore, given the fact that you're living on campus, everyone knows you're in Harvard's summer program. Excessive advertising is really not necessary.

2. Ladies: Why do y'all wear stilettos/4in wedge heels EVERY DAY? Fact: actual college students don't wear hooker heels to class. The streets of Cambridge are so cobbled that I don't even like wearing them to parties. I understand that summertime = sandal-time, but just because your toes poke out of your too-shiny patent pleather peep-toe 4in heels doesn't mean they qualify as sandals. The general rule of thumb is that anything you'd wear at 1am on a Saturday is not appropriate for the lecture hall. Get some damn flip flops.

3. Are you really going to lose your ID if you don't wear it on a lanyard around your neck for every hour of every day? Because honestly, you look like n00bs that are too paranoid to put your plastic card out of sight into a wallet like a normal person. If, like explained in inquiry 1., you're wearing your ID in order to advertise your Harvard SSP student status...well, that's just sad.

4. Is the Annenberg servery really that difficult to navigate? Because I swear, it takes y'all an hour to get through the lines. Here's a tip, if the person ahead of you is taking a really long time and you're interested in something farther down the line, go past him/her. It's not cutting, it's saving everyone else in line a little bit of time. Also, don't have conversations in front of the drink machines, deli, toaster, or any other crowded area. Rude.

5. Why, WHY GOD WHY do you young people (lulz) think it's appropriate or even acceptable to talk about your sexual exploits in Annenberg? Please, it's the common dining hall for everyone on a summer meal plan, meaning that at any given time, there are probably hundreds of people eating at once. I promise you, I am not the only person who does not want to hear about your bedroom antics while trying to nourish myself. Your conversations are disgusting. Save it for a dorm room, because you never know when you'll be sitting next to your future employer, and how much would that suck if he/she got a good earful about the walk of shame you did yesterday morning? NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW.

6. Oh, you think you fancy, huh? I know you all think you're super cool because you're spending your summer studying and being academically miserable challenged (although you'll tell everyone that you had soooo much fun). However, if you return home and act like you're more worthy and scholarly than your friends who worked a summer job or chilled at summer camp, no one will like you. No one wants to hang out with a high-and-mighty, so wash off the smug you got all over your face. I've seen y'all act all pseudo-(p)sophisticated on campus because you're in high school, but you spend your summer vacay at college(!!11!!!1). Congrats. This does not make me like you more.

Okay, maybe this means I'm impatient and testy. Maybe I just want all of these troublemaking kids to get off my damn lawn. And I know, I was an overzealous, kind of annoying high schooler at one time, too, but I'm not anymore, and that totally gives me the right to be a super-critical hater. Haters gonna hate: OH YES I WILL.

**Disclaimer - I'm sure a few SSP-ers are actually chill peeps. No offense to them.